I raised my son in Germany until he was 6. Now, we're back in the US, and my family is going through reverse culture shock.
Liz Humphreys moved to Europe with her husband and raised her son in Berlin until he was 6.
When she moved back to New York, she was surprised by all of the rules surrounding kids.
She's found advantages to raising children in both cities.
My three-year-old son was busy flattening his piece of clay into a pancake when another ball of clay came flying through the air. It hit him squarely on the back of the head, and he started to cry. My husband and I were sitting nearby at his weekly art class, held in a high-ceilinged, 20th-century building in Prenzlauer Berg, a trendy neighborhood in Berlin.
We turned to see a toddler continuing to throw clay balls. The child's mom was sitting next to her son, not saying anything and simply letting him continue his aggressive antics. I tried to catch her eye, but she refused to make contact. We quietly approached the instructor to ask whether she might step in — as perhaps she wouldn't want clay thrown at other kids in her classroom, after all — but she said resignedly, "That's not my place."
Since my family of three had arrived in Berlin, I had experienced many of these refusals by German parents and other adults to get involved or to correct bad behavior in their children — in playgrounds, on playdates, and on museum visits.
I found that the Berlin attitude around children was, by and large, to let them resolve things among themselves — even for toddlers.
My family has been back in New York City for a year and a half, and we're still struck by all the "rules" surrounding kids here. Not that all these rules are bad. As my now 8-year-old son's second-grade teacher says, "How will kids learn what not to do if we don't teach them?"
Berlin was affordable for raising a family and had great childcare
In 2012, my husband and I moved to Europe from New York City for work. We started in Amsterdam, moved to London — where my son was born — and relocated to Berlin when he was just over a year old. We didn't speak German and had never considered living in Germany.
Right from the get-go, we were amazed by how much further our money went in Berlin. Though rental inventory was tough to come by, we paid $2,900 a month for a three-bed, two-bath duplex with a private roof deck and elevator — a wonderful amount of space to raise a child. That's half the price we're now paying for our much smaller two-bedroom apartment in Manhattan.
We were also impressed by the affordability of Berlin's childcare. Starting from the age of 1, all kids are entitled to a free day care/preschool combo — called Kita or kindergarten — for a minimum of five to seven hours a day. Working parents, those looking for work or studying, or single parents are eligible for even more: seven to nine hours of daily care. The care is available year-round.
My son was supervised by three teachers and with the same 10 kids every year, which allowed him to make close friends. His school was also bilingual, German and English, so he became fluent in German within a few years, even though we didn't speak it at home.
Also, unlike in most of the US, in Germany, school up until the equivalent of first grade is play-based and very child-driven, with lots of time spent outside.
The public school in New York has been a huge change
When we arrived back in New York, my son started first grade in public school. He was quickly overwhelmed by the more anonymous classroom of about 30 students with one teacher. He also had difficulty adjusting to all of the structure around the school day. He was used to spending more time outdoors and wandering around the classroom as he pleased.
My husband and I were also shocked to learn that school ended at 2:35 p.m. Now in order to work a full day, we have to pay for after-school classes and find options for summer camp.
We also didn't worry much about safety in Berlin. For such a large city, Berlin is exceedingly safe. In the 2024 Safety Index by Global Residence Index, Berlin ranked 46, while New York City was 107. Over there, it's not uncommon to see kids walking on their own to school starting in first or second grade. Back in the US, we would never even think about letting our son take the short walk to school without adult supervision.
There have been positives of being back in New York
Though the reverse culture shock is real, we do still love being back in New York. We appreciate the diversity compared with Germany, both ethnic and socio-economic.
We take advantage of the numerous cultural opportunities for both kids and adults, such as museums and theater. And even though there aren't quite as many playgrounds as in Berlin, we enjoy the welcoming vibe, where it's easy for kids to make friends.
I've also noticed more parents taking ownership of unruly children.
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