Over on the snarky menswear blog Four Pins, writer Angelo Spagnolo offers a solid piece entitled The Ultimate Guide To Pretentious Interiors, taking down everything from small, framed artwork ("Whatever. Just have rectangular things arranged somewhat in line on your walls. But not too in line.") to lofted beds. Without further ado, here are Spagnolo's 10 best lines:
10. On bookshelves: "Your library needs to stretch to the ceiling. How else will people know how well read and cultured you are?"
9. On taxidermy: "And, I mean, the chemically preserved head of a woodland creature just makes the room that much more masculine, at least until you hang your floppy-brimmed super on trend hat from it."
8. On vintage reclaimed desks: "For doing all that, you know, drafting and other 'work' you do. 'I thought you were a consultant?' Yeah, but one day I'm going to finally write that play, right here, on this varnished desk."
7. On Dieter Rams products: "Just kidding, these only exist in photos on the Internet. Nobody has ever seen one in real life."
6. On "faux minimalism": "But the centerpiece of faux minimalism is the $5,000 mattress on the floor. Why would I need a bed frame? I'm a starving (finance) artist! The lower to the ground you sleep, the nearer to the essential human experience you are."
5. On plants: "Yeah, women love vines. Vines remind them of Tarzan. And Tarzan was a stud."
4. On disheveled white bedding: "Note: only photograph your disheveled bedding in low window light."
3. On clothing racks: "A dresser or any regular closet will not do. You need wrought iron and salvaged wood."
2. On unfinished hardwood floors: "And splinters from the unfinished wood flooring? Well, that's why you spent $350 on those ignorant Del Toro slippers."
1. On fireplaces: "And you better have chopped the wood yourself. 'Did you know chopping wood is one of the best full-body exercises? It's second only to…smangin'.' Bam, you're in. See how easy that was?"
· The Ultimate Guide to Pretentious Interiors [Four Pins]